From a daughter to a wife and finally a mommy - the journey of a woman is ever so exciting and interesting; not to mention a lot of times, nerve-wrecking and self-doubting. I have never felt more humbled, more responsible, more selfless and more complete than after being called "mommy" the very first time. Here is a sneak peak into my life, my mind, and my journey, from a Girl to a Mommy Forever.
So this past Sunday we celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary. Gosh!! does time fly any quicker? I still remember very vividly the hot summer afternoon of April 19th when the temperatures were soaring the usual 100 degree F and the lu (the hot wind that blows in the Northern part of India) had started early morning at around 9:30 AM when we were doing the pre-wedding ceremonies (Eechh- Baan) in the courtyard of our old ancestral house (Peeli Kothi - as it used to be popularly known as in those days). I was trying to get out of the house to go to the “Beauty Parlor” for getting ready with makeup and wedding dress and I got late in reaching there; I will never forget that the woman beautician actually shouted at me and got me in to tears for being late and not bringing the flowers that she thought she had informed me to bring with me for my Hair decoration…..of course it was a very busy day for her, she said she had 8 other brides to get ready for the same time!! But it was My Wedding day too and wasn’t I suppose to be special (at least I thought so in my mind) how dare she be so rude to me, now that I think of it, I guess I was under too much pressure back then at that particular time to get ready and be out on time so I bursted into tears and holy cow did my eyes ever swell that bad!! But anyway, long story short, the events of that Special day are still as fresh as yesterday’s in my mind. Here are a couple of pictures that could dig out (our wedding album is in India) of both of us 9 years ago :o)This year we didn’t do much on our anniversary; I was Super tired of being awake almost the entire 3 nights in a row, plus we were in Boston and it’s a significant enough change for the kids, No nap in last 2 -3 days, we were doing late night eating out/ party (my cousin’s birthday Celebration), so all I wanted was a “normal” day.Yes, I have to admit, with so much going on, we hadn’t planned anything special for the day. But my dear brother, the wonderful gracious host, the young enthusiastic and let’s-make-things-special kind-a-guy that he is, decided to treat us every which way possible. But when I turned down all his offers and he saw that the entire day had “just” gone by, he convinced us to go out for an early dinner at this Fancy Cambodian Restaurant next to his place on Harvard Sq. Wonderful ambiance, excellent location, beautiful people all around, the place was definitely special. Neel was asleep so I was quite hopeful that we will have a wonderful meal finally. BUT - Even before the dinner was served, both Gauri and Neel were out of control because it was past their bedtimes and they are not used to so much noise/ stimulation and I was feeling like everyone was staring at us (Me). The food, whatever I was able to taste, was awesome, but to tell the truth, I was feeling out of place. This place was not meant for parents of infants/ toddlers, it was too classy for Mommy-me. Although, Mani did love the experience and I too liked the food but I had to run out(literally) with Neel, in the middle of the dinner (of course, frustrated somewhat) because his crying was getting louder and louder and I wasn’t able to swallow even a single bite anymore. So the weekend was a big realization that we do NEED to change our lifestyle - no more late night parties, socializing, eating out with the kids. I have accepted this change ever since Gauri came into our lives and more so after having Neel but I think it will take its own time for Daddy to give-in. I sincerely feel too bad for Mani since he is such a social being and loves to socialize/ entertain specially on weekends. But I do know that this is a temporary situation and only in a couple of years we will again be ready for more adventure, more celebrations!!
The little man now has a new hair style officially – “Baldy”!!
On April 8 2009, Neel had his "Mundan" ceremony – Baba was the official Barber (Naai) and I have to say he did a wonderful job. Neel sat in his lap the entire time and credit also goes to my little darling for being extremely patient the entire time – not a single tear, no fuss and baba did and excellent job – not a single cut!! So where was I during this time? Oh welll, I was holding Ms. Gauri and keeping her busy with camera and the camcorder since he was very fascinated with the clipper and absolutely amused with Neel’s new hair style.
Holding the Tripod - our designated photographer for the occasion.
Neel’s newly shaved head made him look SUPER cute and I have to admit that I am totally loving his clean shaved head…No hair and a big smile -makes me crazy(er) about him.
Gauri says “Neo looks funny” "Neo is Ganju Pateel"…..hahahaha…..Oh but I think she doesnt really like the idea of head-shave because she woke up one night crying and calling her baba, murmering "baba, no cut Gauri hair like Neo's". I felt really bad that what impact did this have on her. Next day morning I talked to her and tried to explain that we will never cut her hair like "neos" but that little babies get thicker nicer hair after Mundan, we even showed her the pcitures of her mundan and how cute she looked in those. She is OK now.
I remember, Gauri was born with such thick hair and they grew thicker and longer so quickly that it almost broke my heart to do her mundan. Gauri - 3 days old.
I had spent hours on internet trying to find reasons why “mundane” is such a big deal and why is it necessary and if there really is a logic in this….and I did find some interesting information. In Hindu culture it is believed that the hair from birth is associated with undesirable traits from past lives (Hindus believe in re-birth). Thus at the time of the mundan, the child is freshly shaven to signify freedom from the past and moving into the future. The rite is performed as a special ceremony in most homes, for young children and then the hair are offered to the holy river (Ganga). We have also saved Neel’s hair to take with us to India of offering in the Ganges. So we had finally decided to shave off our little darling but my tears were shedding at the same speed at which her hair was falling. It was probably the hardest thing for me (to see her bald after being used to seeing her with full head of gorgeous hair).
Gauri after her Mundan
But either that Neel had much less hair to being with, or that I had become somewhat conditioned to this or probably because My little man looks all the more handsome with shaved head – no tears were shed by mum this time !!
You miss something when u don’t get it. All those years when I used to hide in my room to avoid colors, I now remember fondly and make efforts to re-live them (कोई लौटादे मेरे बीते हुए दिन …). I recall fondly the good old days when I used to play Holi….sweet Gujjiyas, the lip-smacking जलजीरा (cool-mint-drink), राइ का पानी, ठंडाई और भांग (almond-flavored-milk), chaant-pakore, abiir and gulal (dry colors), टेसू के फूल (yellow flowers used for coloring water), पानी के गुब्बारे (water balloons) and those रंग भरी पिचकारी (water sprinklers)… holi-ka-jalana (Holi-bon-fire) and nani ke ghar holi ka khaana (food at grandma's)…..ah those were the days!!
Now after almost 10 years of having nobody throwing colors on me here in the US, I am missing them all the more...
After having Gauri and Neel the significance of festivals has changed. Now I try to learn and understand how each of our festivals are celebrated in India (in our family – of course I never paid much attention to those details while growing up. Of course all those details I would arrogantly call as “un-necessary rituals, and of course I took so much for granted because mummy-papa would take care of all these details and we would simply be required to do very little and just enjoy the fun and the food…..)
I really want Neel and Gauri to know all our Indian traditions, the old tales of dadi-ma and the love people have for each other and how us Indians love to party and celebrate and know how to have a great time. I don’t want them to miss anything even if they are so so so far away from India.
So This year I planned a traditional holi party at our house, inviting friends and family. We had the traditional food and played with gulaal and wet (kids-friendly) colors. Gauri had so much fun, she keeps asking every now and then, when can she once again paint everyone’s faces with colors.
We had a wonderful time, thanks to all our friend and family and it was great way of welcoming the Spring finally.
Here’s a video from one of Hindi Movie’s, giving an idea of how we play Holi in India and specially Uttar Pradesh.
I have to admit that I was SO busy raising a toddler (Gauri) that I had absolutely zero time to think about my pregnancy with Neel and about the new baby. When I was pregnant with Gauri, the love hormone oxytocin was hitting me so hard that I was practically swimming in love, I was definitely in love with that baby growing inside me even before seeing that baby. But with Neel, I was always tired and exhausted running after Gauri all day so I didn’t feel that connected initially but when I finally got to hold him (well, its worth mentioning here, when he was born he wouldn’t let go of the umbilical cord, he was holding it real tight) , my brain finally broke through the exhaustion and pain of labor and gave me a feeling of euphoria and intense love.
It was like love at first sight! I, once again fell in love like never before. The feeling of adoration hit as soon as I saw Neel. It was like I wasn't even living before I looked at my baby the first time
One thing I realized after giving birth to two wonderful babies is that the bond between parent and child is one of the strongest connections in nature. Romances come and go, but once you've bonded with your baby you're probably hooked for life, and not because you enjoy the prospect of changing thousands of diapers but because the love you feel for your child is the strongest bond, and your child is equally ready to connect with you.
Now that Neel already smiles and coos at me and his eyes follows me even if he is in anybody else’s arms, my heart just fills up with pride and love so intense, that I feel like I am falling in love every day.
On the other hand I have Gauri, who is not ready to “share” me with anybody – nobody. She is so attached to me that she wants me a 100% of the time. Even at night she wakes up and calls for me Sometimes I feel like she should be able to do her own things or atleast take help from baba or her amma, but when I think about how she feels, I feel like waking her up from her sleep and giving her a big hug and a big kiss and letting her know that she makes me feel VERY SPECIAL.
Both Gauri and Neel have made me realize that I am the most important person for someone and that I am need by them all the time. I cant think of even a single moment that I want to be away from them. I am in love and I am hooked to this feeling for life.
Years ago, in fact over a decade ago (OK, now I feel old ), when cupid hit us, Mani and I fell in love and we will ever be so grateful to Dear Cupid for sending love in our lives and for arranging us to meet our soul-mates in this huge world.
And now while Mani found a NEW Sweet heart (whom I love like crazy too), I have my very own Love Bandit too, to celebrate this very special Valentines day with.
We had a fun filled day and although we didn’t go out on a dinner date or a romantic getaway or anything cliché like that, we still ended up having the BEST Valentine’s day ever.
Gauri and her Baba had a very special play date the eve of Valentine’s day and she was super excited and very happy to go out with just Baba (who is usually too busy to be able to spend some alone time with Miss. Bansal). “We had Fun” – said Gauri when they returned back.
“I want to look Beautiful Mumma”, “Baba wear this” were her other big comments that evening while getting ready for their Date. I was so happy to see her so happy.
I had some surprise flowers delivered – how sweet was that!! Thanks so much Jijaji, you are simply wonderful.I also got a bag full of thoughtful selection of Old Romantic classics like – “When Harry Meet Sally” and some beautiful music among other things like Chocos and flower.
Gauri and Neel gave presents to Amma and Baba and boy did they ever look cuter!!
Happy Valentines Day everyone, hope you all had fun with your special ones.
Who knew the love of my life would be Short, Bald and Toothless (instead of Tall, Dark and Handsome)!! Here’s my darling little Neel who took his fist breathe in this world on 6th day of December 2008 at 2:32 AM at L&M hospital in New London, CT – United States.
For each thorn, there's a rosebud... For each twilight — a dawn... For each trial — the strength to carry on, For each storm cloud — a rainbow... For each shadow — the sun... For each parting — sweet memories When sorrow is done. —Ralph Waldo Emerson
No farewell words were spoken, No time to say good-bye, You were gone before we knew it, And only God knows why. Our hearts still ache in sadness, And secret tears still flow, You will always remain the most wonderful brother, uncle, dad and much more this is what we want you to know. This goes for my most loving chachu who left this world on the 7th day of January 2009 to start his new journey into the Kingdom of God. May you find peace and our family the strength to deal with sorrow of losing you.
Those beautiful eyes, waiting, waiting patiently for the arrival of that little someone - who mumma had been telling her is inside mumma's belly; someone who would be all her's, that someone who will make her A BIG SISTER, that special baby who she wouldn't have to say "bye-bye" to after playing for a short while but will take him home, to stay with her forever. Our darling little Gauri waiting for her little Brother Neel's first glimpse!!
Sorry I am so late in posting this entry about your second birthday. As you know you are soon going to be a Big Sister – mumma is kind of tired and a lot more busy lately and therefore so late in posting this entry.
But we, including you had lots of fun on your birthday this year. You were super excited for your birthday a week in advance. You love Elmo, Big Bird and Cookie Monster right now, so your birthday theme this year was of course - Sesame Street.
You had a very special Elmo Cake, Elmo, Big Bird and Cookie Monster cookies and Elmo books for your friends and the entire wall was covered with your favorite Sesame Street friends.
Mama (uncle) Abhi and Chachu Harry had both come from Boston and NJ on the weekend to celebrate this beautiful day with us. You were super excited to see them and had lots of fun with both. We made Chinese food for your party since that was the cuisine that I ate the night before you came into this world, and of course you still like the Chinese White rice anytime. Your baba made most amazing veggie dumplings that even you enjoyed eating. In the evening you friends came with their mommy and daddies and you had an absolute blast with them. You were too funny – you liked Shealyn’s shoes so much so that you took off yours and insisted that you exchange yours with hers. Her mom had to bring another pair of similar shoes for her to wear so you could enjoy putting your feet in hers. It was simply wonderful to see how nicely you played with her and how delicately you handled baby Aadi.
Everyone spoiled you completely with wonderful presents and lovely Elmo cards. You also got your first “baby” (kid safe doll) on this birthday (You baba does not like dolls that much so he never let you have a doll until now!!) You were absolutely thrilled to have the baby among other wonderful presents.
On the day of your birthday you got phone calls from Amma dadu, Bu-Phu, Chachu-Chachi-Cheenu, Nanu, Chhote Nanu-Mama, Meme, Poo Mausi and Nani, Your friend Ishaan- Sara Mausi, Gita Nani-Prabhakar mama and although you are always eager to talk on phone always, but that day you finally declined to talk anymore (you never do that, you ALWAYS insist that I put you on phone as soon as you see me talking on phone, but I guess you never expected that you will be talking on phone this much in just one day.) That was not all, my email-box was full with e-cards and other birthday wish emails for you. Boy – did I ever get even half as many cards and birthday emails for my Birthday?? Never!! You are too fortunate to have SO many people love and care for you. I think you are too cute and sweet and have almost captivated everyone around you in your love. Your Baba and I love you very much and thanks God every single day for choosing us as your parents and giving us the opportunity to witness you leelas (activities). Happy Birthday and Happiness Always.
Love
Ma-Baba
Note: I was trying to post this entry while I was in labor with Neel (and of course in denial that I was in Labor)
Before coming to America I had absolutely no idea what Halloween was. But now I find Halloween to be such a fun festival specially after having Gauri its extra special to us now. Its fun to see all the little ones dressed up in fun costumes and even more fun to dress up your own little one (yea, only if they are in the mood to dress up that day). Last year I wanted Gauri to dress up in a lady bug costume but at the last minute she revolted – didn’t want to wear that red and black lady bug overall….oh how disappointed I was. Change of plans – I dressed her in yellow and black and painted her face with black whiskers put tiger ears and tail on her and there you go!! Huff!!
This year as she looked at her last year’s pictures (in lady bug costume, yes I did manage to get a few pictures taken before the big revolt) she yelled out – “I want to be a bug mum”. I said “Gauri how about Elmo or big bird?”, she instantly replied “NO”. I thought she’d be happy to dress up elmo since he’s her current favorite, but I was wrong. She loves elmo and big bird but that didn’t mean she wanted to be one. She kept insisting she wanted to be Lady bug. So who am I then to disregard little-miss-determined’s wishes. She dressed like a lady bug, although the antennas on her head were too tempting and she didn’t want to put them on her head really. Oh Well!!
Thankfully this year Daddy was home to take her out Trick-a-Treating!! Gauri was thrilled to ring everyone’s door bells and receive “treats”, she didn’t care about the treats although! But what she liked most was – having the opportunity to ring every neighbor’s door bells. Funny, she thought it was now acceptable to ring their bells every day….hahahaha…our poor neighbors – she continued to ring their bell every-time we returned home from a trip out of the house…..It took me some time to try to explain her why she couldn’t ring their bell anymore. Now she continues to wait for the next Halloween not only to dress up but mostly to have a chance to ring everyone’s door bells freely!!
This year we didn’t do much on our anniversary; I was Super tired of being awake almost the entire 3 nights in a row, plus we were in Boston and it’s a significant enough change for the kids, No nap in last 2 -3 days, we were doing late night eating out/ party (my cousin’s birthday Celebration), so all I wanted was a “normal” day. Yes, I have to admit, with so much going on, we hadn’t planned anything special for the day. But my dear brother, the wonderful gracious host, the young enthusiastic and let’s-make-things-special kind-a-guy that he is, decided to treat us every which way possible. But when I turned down all his offers and he saw that the entire day had “just” gone by, he convinced us to go out for an early dinner at this Fancy Cambodian Restaurant next to his place on Harvard Sq. Wonderful ambiance, excellent location, beautiful people all around, the place was definitely special. Neel was asleep so I was quite hopeful that we will have a wonderful meal finally. BUT - Even before the dinner was served, both Gauri and Neel were out of control because it was past their bedtimes and they are not used to so much noise/ stimulation and I was feeling like everyone was staring at us (Me). The food, whatever I was able to taste, was awesome, but to tell the truth, I was feeling out of place. This place was not meant for parents of infants/ toddlers, it was too classy for Mommy-me. Although, Mani did love the experience and I too liked the food but I had to run out(literally) with Neel, in the middle of the dinner (of course, frustrated somewhat) because his crying was getting louder and louder and I wasn’t able to swallow even a single bite anymore. So the weekend was a big realization that we do NEED to change our lifestyle - no more late night parties, socializing, eating out with the kids. I have accepted this change ever since Gauri came into our lives and more so after having Neel but I think it will take its own time for Daddy to give-in. I sincerely feel too bad for Mani since he is such a social being and loves to socialize/ entertain specially on weekends. But I do know that this is a temporary situation and only in a couple of years we will again be ready for more adventure, more celebrations!!
Funny, she thought it was now acceptable to ring their bells every day….hahahaha…our poor neighbors – she continued to ring their bell every-time we returned home from a trip out of the house…..It took me some time to try to explain her why she couldn’t ring their bell anymore. Now she continues to wait for the next Halloween not only to dress up but mostly to have a chance to ring everyone’s door bells freely!!
